You are what you drive.

Growing up in the Midwest, I had always thought Chicagoans were the worst drivers. In Milwaukee we had a nickname for them: FIBs or FIDs. Fucking Illinois Bastards or Fucking Illinois Drivers. They’re interchangeable. If you were on the interstate in Milwaukee and you were cut off by a speeding BMW, you knew you’d see the Illinois vanity plate in a matter of moments. You’d curse, shrug and say, “Fucking Illinois Bastard”.

Then I got a taste of Los Angeles driving. You can’t exactly call them bad drivers because they rarely move in traffic. How can you fuck up driving a half-mile per hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic? They are disqualified.

The worst drivers, hands down, are Texans. A Chicagoan may cut you off on the interstate and then speed off, but a Texan will cut you off, slam on the brakes to piss you off when you throw your hands in the air, and then drive next to you and throw stones at your car. (No joke. This actually happened to me in Houston.) Texans don’t like their turn signals. Maybe they think they’re too wimpy. The big truck should speak for itself; that is, if you see one coming you should expect it to cut your coupe-driving ass off. And don’t expect a turn signal or any sort of kind gesture. Texans love big cars. The bigger, the better.

Texas drivers also believe that interstate on-ramps have checkered flags signaling the beginning of a race for anyone who’s about to merge onto the interstate. If you’re on the on-ramp, the person in the lane you’re about to merge into wants to race you! How fun! But watch out for the oncoming lanes about to merge into one! It’s a race to see who’s first! It’s like a game of Chicken! What fun!

Now I’m going to dive into murky waters. I’m going to attempt to stereotype you by the car you drive. Why? Because I can and because it’s fun and it makes me laugh. If you don’t think it’s funny, stop reading and go write your own funny blog.

The Hummer Driver

They might look like this smug guy who’s thinking “I don’t care that they fucked up my H2. Fuck em. I’ll buy an even bigger one this time.” They laugh in the face of economic hardship. They spit on anyone who says global warming is real. Say the words “Mideast” and they will say “I’ll squash Al Qaeda with my H2.” The Hummer driver parks in two parking spots. Or they don’t park at all because they are having so much fun driving around and looking down (literally!) at everyone else. They love attention. Sometimes the driver of an H2 is a petite soccer mom whose husband makes her drive the H2 because it gives him a sense of security and superiority. While his intentions are good, he fails to realize that she was a shitty driver before she climbed up into the H2, and now poses a threat to all drivers around her. Contrary to popular belief, Hummer drivers are not Republicans because Hummer drivers don’t believe in Hell.

Drivers of Clean Pickup Trucks in Texas (Brand is insignificant, though they are usually Dodge, Chevy, or Ford. The fact that it is clean means that it’s not an occupational vehicle)

Look. I’ll put it this way: The pickup truck is a symbol of manhood in Texas. And just to clear the air, pickup truck drivers anywhere else in the country need not take offense. You probably drive your pickup truck because you legitimately need it. For business or for day-to-day hauling. You’re cool by me. But Texas pickup truck drivers are a different breed. Everyone is Texas thinks they want a pickup truck: Man or woman, gay or straight. And once they have one, I think they believe their penis will grow 2 inches and that their biceps will expand instantaneously. What gratification! Now if they only had a lesson in humility. Pickup trucks are like crack for macho-ists. (And by the way, if you’re older than 60 and you drive a pickup in Texas, you’re off the hook. You’ve earned your pickup as far as I’m concerned.)

The pickup truck driver believes that you should move out of their way. Ask one. “Why do you drive a pickup truck? You clearly don’t use the flat bed for anything.” They will respond, “I drive a pickup because it’s big and powerful and people get out of my way.” Your first instinct will be to respond “You actually think people get out of your way because you drive a pickup?” And the pickup driver will become increasingly defensive and shout “They do! Little sedan drivers will see me coming up behind them and move out of my way. It’s true! Seriously! They do! They do, goddamit!” Well, we all know well that no one moves out of your way because of your truck. We move out of your way because you’re clearly psychotic and we value our lives and the lives of those we love. And truthfully, we just really don’t care about how macho you are and how good it makes you feel to drive your truck while looking at your reflection in our bumper. We just want you to go away and run off to compare your penis size with your friends who do care.

The Lexus Driver

I think some women drive a Lexus in Texas because it rhymes. That’s a good enough reason, isn’t it? And the cute, shiny little L emblem looks so pretty in that cute font. Let’s face it — Lexus drivers in Texas are usually women. And they’re usually over 40 and have blond hair. Now I know this is a very broad stereotype, but I think women feel like they’re “in” when they drive a Lexus. (As a side note, my 28-year-old brother drives a Luxus SUV and he once told me he likes to drive a Lexus because he thinks people respect him more and they stay further away from him on the roads because he has a luxury car.) Allow me to make an analogy. The Lexus is to a Luxury Car what Red Lobster is to seafood. If you really wanted a luxury car in that price range, you should have bought a Mercedes. (I still love ya though, Toyota!)

The Newer-Model Porsche Driver

I know many people would disagree with this assessment but I’ve nothing against you newer-model Porsche drivers. You’re probably a medical doctor or dentist and you’re simply smarter than average folks. You want a car that can get you where you need to be fast and with style, and you drive really damn well. You’re courteous and you only speed when no one’s life is in immediate danger. Your smart kids are all grown up and away at college in Boston and now is your time to have your toys. Kudos!

The American Mullet Car Driver (Mustang, Charger, Camaro, Firebird, Trans-Am and the like…)

Do they actually have a mullet? Probably not now, but you can bet your can of Pabst Blue Ribbon they surely did have one… and not that long ago. These drivers are so far removed from modern style, they actually form little cults; Little clubs of other Mullet Car drivers. They get together on Saturday nights and compare distributor caps and tell stories of days long ago when long hair down your back was cool and REO Speedwagon was in the Billboard Top 40. Mullet car drivers are harmless because they really don’t give a rats ass what you’re driving, but they can spot another Trans-Am from 6 miles away. And they can tell you the model year, top cruising speed and what Lynyrd Skynyrd song was popular that year. They’d rather watch Transformers than porn. They are usually married to women who they picked up while out cruisin’. Ask them what they think of the new Shins album or if they’ve seen the latest gallery exhibit at the Modern Art Museum and they’ll give you a blank stare.

The BMW Driver

I was told long ago that BMW stands for Be My Woman. The BMW Driver doesn’t know why the car is a high performance car. They just think they need to drive one because everyone else does. The Beamer driver is usually a lawyer, real estate agent, sales manager or advertising exec. They will cut you off in a heartbeat, race in between lanes of traffic whilst putting on lipstick or talking on the phone. I often see them doing U-turns because they’ve missed their exit.

Edit: The paragraph above really only applies to the 3-series and the sometimes the 5-series. I think the theory is; the 3-series driver is only leasing his BMW until his parents finish paying off his undergrad education. The 5-series driver is a little more savvy. The 7-series, on the other hand, is typically highly intelligent though very, very obsessive compulsive.

The Gigantic SUV Driver (Suburban, Escalade, Excursion, Armada and the like…)

Shame on you if you drive one of these. Do I really need to explain why? Go read the newspaper or drive away from your gated neighborhood to see why. Drivers of Suburbans are usually soccer moms. And my general advice is to stay the hell away from them. They’re usually driven by a mom who’s got 4 kids in the car, a casserole that’s getting cold, mother-in-law on the phone and the scrapbooking store is closing in 10 minutes (so she’s really in a hurry!) They sway innocently into your lane and while you’re shouting profanities to them, they are busy screaming at the kids in the back to stop throwing the soccer ball in the car. The Excursion, Escalade and Armada still seem to be male dominated though it’s difficult to tell because the windows are usually tinted black. There’s no telling who’s driving these things, but one thing’s for certain: Try to speed up to one, and they will speed up too. It’s like vehicular Simon Says. Big-Ass SUV drivers (Suburban excluded) do not like to be passed. I once pulled out of a parking lot (properly, with my blinker on and left plenty of room,) and onto the street in front of an Escalade driver. This evidently upset him so much that he sped up on my bumper and followed me for blocks — miles! — until I pulled a quick U-Turn and sped off leaving him in my dust. I think he tried to turn around, too, but got stuck having to make a 6-point turn in order to turn that beast around. Gigantic SUV drivers: You may look cool but your ride isn’t made to handle like a sports car. So if you’re going to act like an ass on the roads, give those of us who don’t care about your plastic spinning rims a break.

For the record, I drive an Acura and a Honda, both of which are paid off and have good fuel economy. While my husband made some engine modifications to our Acura, they’re both pretty modest cars and we’ll probably buy another Acura or Honda in the future. If we could afford to drive our dream cars, we wouldn’t pick anything on the list above. We’d be driving something Italian.