Windows Users: Why I love you

Dear Mac Hater,

There, there, don’t get so upset. Calm down. Deep breath. In! …………… and out.

Even though there is such intense animosity between us, deep down inside we really love you! We need you, in fact! We need your Windows operating system to keep truckin’, and we need you users to keep buying, troubleshooting, virus-protecting and loving your PC! We truly don’t mind Windows to be the primary corporate PC software for millions of offices world wide.

Let me explain, dear Windows users. You see, your hatred and outward disapproval of Apple Computers keeps you and I on different teams. And you can’t play fun games if there are no teams! You say Apple is proprietary. We say yes, and we’d like it to stay that way! You say Windows is more wide spread. We say yes, and we’d like it to stay that way! You say Macs are overpriced. We say yes, but you get what you pay for! You say Macs are incompatible with so much third party software. We say yes, but Macs run all the things we want them to — nothing more and nothing less — not to mention the fact that we can run Windows on our Macs like it’s nobody’s business! You say that you can’t take them apart and put in new parts and pieces to make them better. We say there’s no reason to! You say “I would never buy a stupid Mac”. We say “Good! Please don’t!”

If you didn’t exist, we wouldn’t love our Macs as much as we do. If you didn’t love your Windows, you’d be using Mac and frankly, you are not a Mac person. You Mac people know what I’m talkin’ about. (And you Windows users don’t, but that’s exactly why we love you!) We need you to keep Windows in business. Really. We like that you buy Dulls Dells and spend your hard earned money on the Windows operating system and we love it that you won’t buy an iPhone because it’s “just another piece of Apple proprietary shit that costs too much”. Buy a Sprint Instinct! You singlehandedly help to keep IT help desks all over the country in business. And you help the unemployment rate by creating IT jobs for so many helpless people. You are saints disguised as normal people. You don’t follow the masses — you are the mass!

So you see, Windows users, there’s no reason to perpetuate the hatred. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with a good, clean fight. But your case against us is moot. We don’t hate you. We love you! And despite what a few of us may say (or a few silly Apple commercials suggest), we truly don’t want to convert you into an Apple user. It takes a certain type of person to be a Mac enthusiast and we know you are not that type of person. So please calm down and get back to gaming, spreadsheet making, and Powerpointing.

Love,

A true lover of all things Apple… and Windows Users.